I am such an idiot

I cannot believe I actually got back in contact with my father last year. Now I am kicking myself because I do not want him in my life. I do not get anything out of these ridiculous interactions via email. And, I recently remembered some things he did that have literally made me sick to my stomach, running to the bathroom whenever they pop into my head. I don’t want him in my life.

But he’s been appropriate and civil in his emails. I have this ridiculous notion that I need to have a “good reason” to cut off contact with him again. My partner has helped me to recognize that all the things he did to me in the past are good enough reasons, but it’s difficult. It’s like, why now? He hasn’t done anything. But he did, a long time ago and also not so long ago in the totality of life. 

So I’ve decided to cut it off. But I am worried about how: do I simply stop responding to his emails, or do I send him an email telling him I no longer want contact? I feel like a “better person” sending an email, but the book “The Gift of Fear” (which I HIGHLY recommend for anyone who has been abused/traumatized) teaches us that any sort of response to an abuser guarantees us six more weeks of abuse. So I don’t know what to do. Advice would be welcomed.

Also, I can’t sleep and when I do, I have terrible nightmares. But it almost feels good, like I am finally remembering things and feeling them and I am so full of rage and fury. I can feel something.

Things

I haven’t really had time to write with my new job and wedding planning and all that jazz. I have felt as though I wanted to write, but when I think about what to say I draw a blank. 

I got a new therapist and she is much better than my old therapist. She remembers things I say, is validating but not too cheerleader-ish, and actually gives me things to do between sessions. It is helping.

I am still having major trouble with being touched in any way, which is a problem. I was co-facilitating a group and the other facilitator accidentally brushed against me, and I almost flew out of my chair. I don’t think any of the clients noticed, but I certainly don’t want to seem unhinged. Not to mention, it causes a good deal of strife with my partner. 

Basically, my therapist has said that our work is going to be about accepting that the trauma happened and coping in the present. I can get behind that, but it’s been a little difficult due to the fact that I still have very vague memories of the trauma that I wish I could piece together into a smooth narrative…but that’s not how trauma works. Trauma fragments our mind and senses, leaving us to do our best to pick up the pieces with no guarantees of closure. I am hopeful that I will at least remember who did it so I can cut that person out of my life if they are still in it (a chilling thought).

I guess I just wanted to do an update. I hope everyone who reads this is doing well.