Archives for the month of: January, 2014

Not cancer! Nothing, in fact. I was pretty relieved to learn that this morning. It is nice to not have to worry about it anymore. But the whole thing did bring up some issues that need addressing, related to my partner’s ability to cope with any health issues that may come up for me or our future children. Fortunately, she has been able to start seeing a therapist this week and feels really comfortable with her, so hopefully that will help.

I haven’t been doing much introspection in the past week, which can be a good thing. I think sometimes I get so wrapped up in thinking and analyzing how my past affects me that I let the present slip by. Not that I’m ever fully in the present, but I know that I should be. I hope to do some more practice with mindfulness once I graduate and things settle down (when I go back to only working 40 hours).

I am so sleep deprived right now that I can barely type. Despite being very tired, I was unable to sleep between shifts. So bad.

A few weeks ago, my partner noticed something strange on my breast. A crusty, yellow substance on my nipple. We thought it was dry skin, but when it didn’t go away, I decided to make a doctor’s appointment. I saw the doctor today, and she (very roughly) examined my breasts and decided that I need to have an ultrasound and possibly a mammogram. My breasts are still very sore and tender (I have tender breasts to begin with), and my partner is reeling from watching her do that to my body. She has her own PTSD stemming from medical procedures and also has synesthesia including mirror touch, which means that she feels whatever she sees happening to someone else’s body. She has been panicking and crying ever since the appointment, and just can’t deal with seeing me in so much pain. She says she can’t stop seeing the doctor doing that to my breasts. So that’s a little hard to cope with.

This is not my first cancer scare. A few years ago, I had to have an ultrasound when my doctor found a lump in my breast, but it turned out to be nothing. I am only 25 years old and have no family history of breast cancer, so I really should save the worrying until I have more information. I’m not really worried about myself, but I am worried about how other people in my life would cope if I died (I know, I’m really catastrophizing here). My partner, especially, would have a very hard time. I know that my family would be sad but would be okay. I think I would even be okay with it. I would be sad to not have done things like having children, but I would be able to make peace with everyone in my life before I went. But my partner, I don’t know what she would do. She freaks out every time she perceives me to be in the slightest danger (driving in the snow, etc.) and always says that she would die if something happened to me. A bit melodramatic, but I see pure terror in her eyes when she says it. She truly does not think she can survive without me. Pointing out that she did so for over two decades before we met doesn’t seem to help. I know she could be strong and be okay, but for her to think of a life without me at this point seems like torture.

I am really jumping the gun here. It is most likely nothing, or a simple infection. It’s just that I’m at work right now, it’s the middle of the night, and my partner is texting me because she can’t sleep and is having what sounds like flashbacks to my appointment. She called me crying hysterically and there is nothing I can do to help her. She sees her psychiatrist and therapist next week, but until then, we are on our own. In addition, she has been severely depressed recently, which does not help with her ability to cope with this latest stressor.

She wants to come with me to my ultrasound, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea. She insists that she’ll be more upset if she’s not there with me, but I don’t see how she can be more upset than she is now. I know from experience that the ultrasound will hurt (my stupid extra-sensitive breasts!), and she clearly does not do well with seeing me in pain. I think I would rather have my mother come with me, but I don’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings.

At this point, I guess I’m not really too worried about it actually being cancer. I’ll worry about that when/if the time comes. I’m just worried about how to deal with all the testing and procedures without it being traumatic for my partner. Not to mention, I work 70 hours per week and don’t really have time to do all this, but I guess I have to make time.

On the plus side, I am feeling more grounded lately, probably just because I have to be present in order to absorb the medical information and make/keep appointments.

I hope everyone is well and has had a positive start to the new year. We are starting out with a nice big snowstorm in my neck of the woods!