I cannot believe I actually got back in contact with my father last year. Now I am kicking myself because I do not want him in my life. I do not get anything out of these ridiculous interactions via email. And, I recently remembered some things he did that have literally made me sick to my stomach, running to the bathroom whenever they pop into my head. I don’t want him in my life.

But he’s been appropriate and civil in his emails. I have this ridiculous notion that I need to have a “good reason” to cut off contact with him again. My partner has helped me to recognize that all the things he did to me in the past are good enough reasons, but it’s difficult. It’s like, why now? He hasn’t done anything. But he did, a long time ago and also not so long ago in the totality of life. 

So I’ve decided to cut it off. But I am worried about how: do I simply stop responding to his emails, or do I send him an email telling him I no longer want contact? I feel like a “better person” sending an email, but the book “The Gift of Fear” (which I HIGHLY recommend for anyone who has been abused/traumatized) teaches us that any sort of response to an abuser guarantees us six more weeks of abuse. So I don’t know what to do. Advice would be welcomed.

Also, I can’t sleep and when I do, I have terrible nightmares. But it almost feels good, like I am finally remembering things and feeling them and I am so full of rage and fury. I can feel something.