Archives for the month of: February, 2014

This is speaking to me right now.

*Trigger warning: SA*

I am with a group of people squeezed into a car that is far too small. We go to a mall, we walk around a carpet store. There are two men, one early twenties and one mid-twenties. I want them both. I can only have one. We go to a class or group therapy session, I don’t know which. People are praying at the instructor’s feet, he is my supervisor from last year and appears quite uncomfortable with this.

I am burning up with desire for these two men. One is fair and sweet, one is dark and dangerous. I choose the latter based on the fact that when I see a picture of a cottage and as I express my delight, he states that he has a cottage exactly like that. I know I made the wrong choice but I cannot undo it. We go to my apartment, and his shirt rises to reveal his stomach, I run my hands over his body. I see an image of him raping an unknown woman (me?) from behind, saying, “Anything I do to you is legal.” I panic, I want him so badly but he is dangerous. I need to find a way to get him out of my house.

A fire starts in my living room, and we both fill up pots and pans to put it out. The fire jumps from object to object, sometimes leaping onto the walls. I put the cat outside. I call 911 and the dispatcher is confused. As we wait for the firefighters to come, we continue to throw water on the unpredictable flames. My father is there. I notice that part of the fire is electrical in nature, and I ask, “Do you put water on an electrical fire?” (you don’t). Nobody answers, I douse it in water and it does nothing. I am thinking that the fire could be a way for me to get the dangerous man that I want so badly out of my house. The firefighters arrive, old and tired. They use a fire extinguisher, and I wake up.

Things have been very hectic lately, and I have simply been running on autopilot. There is a chance that I will be able to reduce my hours at work for the next few months. If not, I have enough money saved up to leave and just find something new for when I graduate. I cannot function like this anymore. I am putting my safety at risk as well as the safety of others when I am doing things like driving on very little sleep.

It’s hard enough to sleep when you work overnight, but for me, sleep has always been a difficult thing. I never get enough, and when I do get the recommended eight hours, I never feel rested. I always wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed. In addition, I have nightmares almost every time I sleep, so going to bed is not the welcome relief for me that it is for others. It’s just a gateway into another world in which terribly scary things happen constantly. I had been taking melatonin, but it wasn’t really helping. A friend recommended valerian root, so I tried that. The first time I took it, I fell into a deep, dreamless sleep. I was delighted when I woke up, but I knew not to get too excited. Sure enough, it was back to nightmare-land the next time I slept. I think I’ll stick with it for a bit, but I am not counting on it.

It would be so amazing if I could just stop working and only have school and my internship to do for a couple months. I could get back on track with exercising, which is my most important goal for when I graduate. I used to love exercising. I would walk or cycle at least 30 minutes every day, and even though I was always fat no matter how much I exercised, it made me feel better and clearer in the head. I haven’t really done that since I started school in 2011. I want that again. In addition, I would like to wean off of my medications (I take an antidepressant and a non-benzo medication for anxiety) and find a new therapist. Or maybe just take a break from therapy altogether. I am not accomplishing anything in therapy anymore, and I find myself lying to my therapist just so I don’t have to actually talk about anything. It is time for a change.

I hope that anyone who reads this is doing well. I haven’t been commenting much, but I have been reading. Love and safe hugs to everyone who wants them.