Archives for the month of: August, 2014

in your life can be traced back to him.

-my partner

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I haven’t emailed my father. I don’t know if I should. I am having nightmares as usual but these are different because in them, people I love and who love me are taking his side. 

I set up my email to have all emails from him be marked as read and go directly into a specific folder so I don’t get a nasty surprise in my inbox. Unfortunately, I found that this is not fool-proof. I checked my email yesterday morning to see the subject line “(Father) has added you to their circles on Google+” and I immediately felt like I was going to be sick. I was supposed to visit my stepmom and brother this weekend but had to cancel because I was so panicky about being in the same state as him. I feel awful for doing that.

I want answers and I want closure. I know that closure isn’t actually a real thing. I want him to own up to what he has done. I know it will never happen. I think he believes he never did anything. I can’t kiss my partner because I gag and feel something awful in my throat. I have headaches and muscle pain every day. People cannot touch me. My body doesn’t work correctly. It does’t feel real. I cannot actually believe that these things happened for real. Maybe I’m making it up. What if I am an awful person making up awful things? 

I fucking hate this.

“25-year-old single Caucasian female with a long history of depression and PTSD”

is what my medical record says. I take pills and more pills and exercise and go to therapy and workworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkworkwork so I don’t have to think about it and then I go to sleep and relive things I don’t even know happened. And nobody knows except me my therapist my partner my brother my father? I want to tell my mother and I want to cry and I want her to hold me and I want her to believe me and I want her to protect me and I don’t want to hurt her and I want to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep and not dream. I want my cat to become human-sized and be soft and warm and pat my back and say “there, there” while I am here and my partner is at work and I can sleep.