My therapist is leaving her practice at the end of June. It’s not a huge loss; she’s helped me with some important things, but my overwhelming sense is that she does not truly listen and I cannot be honest with her. She prescribes my antidepressant, but I’ve been feeling that it’s time to try weaning off of that anyway. Of course, I will do so with her guidance. I’ve been on this antidepressant for almost three years, and I’d like to see how I do without it. It has been a tremendous help to me, so I’m a little nervous. Before starting it, I was living with near-constant suicidal ideation (without any desire, plan, or intent…weird). I never actually WANTED to kill myself (with the exception of a few years as a teenager), but the thoughts would just repeat in my head…”Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.” It was like a parasitic thought that entered my mind at some point and made its home there, even when it made no sense. To be honest, it was mostly annoying. My anti-depressant all but eliminated those thoughts. They still happen from time to time, and I doubt I’ll ever be completely free of them, but they are not nearly as constant as they were. I have been very clear with myself that if they come back, or if I feel much more depressed, I will find a way to get back on my medication. I am not trying to stop my medication out of pride, but out of concern over side effects and a curiosity about how I will be without it.

I have been looking for a new therapist with little luck. Everyone I read about online seems like a quack or a narcissist. I think it is possibly tougher to find a therapist when you are one. I have a very low tolerance for bullshit, pandering, and condescension, which is what screams at me from the bios I’ve read. The one person that I emailed said I should see a sex therapist instead (I mentioned vaginismus and that I thought it was a result of sexual abuse). This was disappointing because I really need to work on the sexual abuse, and I feel that I can handle the vaginismus if I make some progress on the abuse. I guess I should leave the vaginismus out of it from now on.

Speaking of the vaginismus, I have been only working sporadically with my dilators (or dilator, as I’ve yet to master even the smallest one). I worked with the smallest today (about the size of a small finger) and got it in farther than I ever have before, which was a victory. I immediately found myself zoning out and dissociating while inserting it, and actually was able to bring myself back to my body and be mindful of what was going on down there. I was able to feel specific muscle groups tensing and was able to release them to reduce the pain. My first impulse was to shove it in deeper, to push myself past what I was able to do. I’m glad I resisted that urge, as I would simply have been revictimizing myself by not respecting my own limits and boundaries. Overall, it was a positive experience. I am becoming more optimistic about this dilator thing.

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