A lot has been going on. I have finished my MSW and quit my third shift job in favor of a better job that begins next week and is commensurate with my new degree. It is with an agency for which I have worked in the past, and I know a lot of people who still work there. I’m very excited for this and am quite enjoying my time off until next week.

Today, I got a massage. I have had a few massages in the past, and they are always difficult for me. I need very deep pressure because my body is seemingly made up of nothing but gigantic muscle spasms. Additionally, I am very ticklish when it comes to my back. Even when I was getting a tattoo done on my back, the artist had to keep telling me not to squirm because I was so ticklish. I have always been this way in relation to the right side of my back. If I sense anything or anyone getting close, I spasm. This includes the person I trust the most, my wonderful partner.

I never really thought anything of this pattern until reading “The Body Remembers” by Babette Rothschild. It is a great book about the psychophysiology of trauma. I am beginning to accept that many of the “body issues” I have are most likely related to my trauma. The fact that my body seems to constantly be in a state of muscle contraction, causing painful knots all over, is probably due to trauma. It seems so obvious, I actually feel kind of stupid not having thought of it before. The onset of my chronic pain and headaches was when I was about 10 or 11, around the same time that I developed an irrational fear that I might be pregnant (irrational because I had supposedly never had any sexual experience). Obviously, the vaginismus. And now, this pattern of always being ticklish when anyone(thing) approaches or touches the right side of my back. I’m starting to think that I was possibly approached from behind and towards my right when being abused.

It continues to bother me that I have very little memory of what happened to me. I feel like I am hiding the information from myself and I need to figure out how to unlock it. I know that it’s not necessary to recover full memories in order to heal from trauma, but it frankly pisses me off that someone violated me and even stole my right to know about what happens to my body. I see eventually getting these memories back as taking back the history of my body. Once I know, I have power. Additionally, there are practical concerns related to the fact that I do not know who did it. There is a chance it could be somebody who is still in my life. That is a chilling thought.

So anyway, I had my massage, squirmed around on the table a bit, but ultimately feel much better. The massage therapist I see is really great and respectful and reasonably priced (and I keep referring people to her and getting a referral discount of 15 dollars off :P), so I am very grateful to be able to access massage. I feel that going every so often will help me be more in tune with my body and decrease the amount of pain I experience.