I’ve been trying to be more present in my life and my body recently. I feel numb most of the time, both emotionally and physically. It is very hard to inhabit my own body. It makes me feel vulnerable. If I’m dissociating or numbing out, I don’t have to feel anything and nothing can hurt me. If I am there, well…I have to experience things. This sounds totally basic and even ridiculous, but it’s so much easier to just float through life and not be there. At the same time, I feel like I’m missing out on things when I do that, so I would like to try to increase the amount of time that I am fully present in my body.

One of the things that I have really been struggling with recently is my vaginismus. Although I am not interested in penetrative sex, there are many other reasons that I need to figure out a way to deal with this issue. I can’t use tampons, which makes periods a lot messier and inconvenient. I cannot have a pelvic exam or a pap smear, and being 25 and sexually active, I am long overdue for both. My partner and I have also been discussing trying for a baby within the next year or two, and I would carry. I need to be able to do insemination and have all the necessary prenatal care.

I bought a couple dilators at a sex shop the other day, and I started out with one that is about the size of a finger. I was able to get it partially in, which was kind of exciting. I stopped at that point because I could feel it starting to hurt and the point is to teach your body that penetration will not hurt. I’m really excited about using the dilators but I have to be careful. It is very easy for me to dissociate whenever something is going on down there, and I need to be in my body in order for this to really work.

I also need to work on my sex drive. I have none. I used to, but over the past two years it has gone totally kaput. I think this is a combination of side effects from my antidepressant and my trauma history becoming more of an issue (I got my first memories back about 2 years ago). To be honest, I would be completely fine with never having sex again. It is exhausting to get myself to the point where I want to do anything, and then it isn’t even enjoyable. I just want to keep my clothing on and not let anybody touch me, ever. My body is only for me. I wish I could share it with my partner, but that takes so much effort and I am so TIRED. By the time I get myself comfortable, I have drained all of my emotional energy and can’t deal with any actual physical contact. I am hoping to start seeing a sex therapist once I graduate and to do more trauma work as well. Right now, I am just keeping it at bay because I don’t have the time or energy to open up a flood of memories and emotions. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I keep waiting for the right time.

Oh yeah, and I’m getting married in September.

This post was all over the place. Apologies.