I have been feeling really weird for the past few days. It seems that my level of dissociation throughout the day has increased to the point where it is noticeable to others. This is worrisome for me, because obviously I don’t want anyone to find out about the problems I have. When people ask about it, I usually just say that I’m tired (which is also true), but I’m sure that people can see through that. My partner is especially able to tell when something is not right, and asked me yesterday if I’ve been dissociating over the past few days. I told her that I have been.

I feel very unreal, like I don’t inhabit my body anymore. Depersonalization is nothing new to me, but it is more bothersome lately. I don’t feel things, and I feel like any display of emotion is forced. I want to be a genuine person and have real experiences, but I live in a fog and operate on autopilot.

I have also been noticing that people are telling me things that I did or said that I cannot remember. Or I’ll think that I’ve done or said something but it turns out I actually haven’t. I go to tell my partner about something, and she looks concerned and says that I told her that yesterday. Or she asks me about something and I wonder how she knows about it. I reference something that I think we’ve had a conversation about, and she is confused. It is frightening to think that I’ve been doing and saying things without remembering.

I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know if I’m getting worse, or if I’m a mess because I’m on break right now. I’ve been sleeping a lot, but I still feel like I could sleep all the time. When I am awake, I am ambivalent in that I want to be a real person, but the trance-like state I can so easily slip into is almost intoxicating. It would be so easy to just curl up and go inside and never come back out of my head. To be alone. I’ve been fantasizing about my partner breaking up with me so I can just be alone all the time, live out the rest of my life in a hazy solitude. Just come out to work my solitary night shifts and then retreat. It would be easier than faking a life and existing among others.

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