I have exchanged a few emails with my father and am keeping it very light and “surface.” He has responded appropriately thus far, but I am not letting my guard down anytime soon. He doesn’t do a very good job of hiding his true self for a long time.

Came to work last night and I have felt very dissociated through the whole night. I feel very frustrated that I don’t know things about myself and my past. I am thinking that I may have parts in some form. I know I don’t have distinct personality states like someone with DID, but I do feel strongly that there are things within me that know things. I’ve been trying all night to talk to them, with no luck. I did some inner talking where I told them that it was safe, and I appreciate them protecting me for so long, and if they want to talk I would like to know them. After doing this, I felt very dissociated and this close to making contact, but I was just quite not there. I got really distracted and immediately went into “I’m making it up, nothing ever happened, blah blah blah” and then did some schoolwork. I never feel like another person or multiple people. I feel continuous, and I generally don’t lose time. My dissociation tends to be more of a depersonalization and numbness experience. But I just have this gut feeling that there are parts, maybe just separated memories that have developed into something a tiny bit bigger.

After I did some other things, I wrote the same message I had told myself in my head down on paper. I was hoping that maybe having a written conversation would help, but nothing. I didn’t feel as close as I did just talking in my head. I also feel totally crazy now, even though I never think of other people with this experience as crazy.

I could use some help from other people who have experienced dissociation. What was it like trying to access other parts of yourself? When did you start to realize you had other parts? Do you have any suggestions for how to go about accessing parts?

I really feel bad right now.

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