I feel so scared. Something just feels wrong inside my head and I don’t know what to do.

My partner and I went to see Insidious 2 today (don’t bother, it’s silly) and there was one part that really scared me, but not for the obvious reasons. There is a part where a young boy is being hypnotized. There is a ticking metronome to lull him into relaxation and awareness of his inner experiences. I wrote before about how I want my memories back, but hearing the metronome and seeing someone going into a trance/hypnosis state (even a fake movie one) was really terrifying for me. I want my memories, but I don’t want to not be in control of my mind and body while I retrieve them from wherever they are hidden.

I feel like something is right below the surface, waiting to break through. But I am pushing it down, almost unwillingly. I just can’t get to that level. My mind is fighting against my will to know. I think it will take some sort of help with deep relaxation in order to break down my defenses enough to get through to that part of me, but like I said, the thought of that absolutely terrifies me. It’s not the memories I’m scared of (I think…), it’s the loss of control.

I’m just scared right now, knowing that something is there and I can’t access it.

Does anyone have experience with this?