So I had to say goodbye to my brother today. He asked if I could visit him in China but I can’t afford a flight, so I won’t be seeing him again until June of next year. I was hoping to keep it together and not cry, but of course that didn’t happen.

I went over to my mom/stepdad’s house and hung out there for a little bit, then my mom, sister, brother, and I went out to lunch. We then had to visit my grandmother in the hospital (nothing serious, she manufactures a health crisis every so often for attention) and pick her car up from her friend’s house. My brother was going to drive her car, and I wanted to ride with him to just have some time together, but he said he wanted to drive alone. This is when I lost it. I ended up crying in my mom’s car the whole way home and saying goodbye to my brother while crying and then crying on my drive back to my apartment. I felt SO pathetic. I was just so hurt that he didn’t want to spend time with me before leaving. He seemed upset when he saw how hurt I was and apologized, and my mom reminded him that his leaving affects others as well. He seemed genuinely surprised to hear this. I really think he didn’t think of this at all. After all, he is in his early 20s…still a pretty self-centered age.

I haven’t cried this much in ages. I generally tend to feel pretty numb and emotionally blunted, so to actually feel this hurt was kind of a bittersweet experience. It was not pleasant, but I realized while it was happening that I was actually FEELING something. So I guess that’s a good thing?

Now I’m at work and my eyes are all puffy from crying (I’m one of those people who absolutely cannot hide it) even though I slept for about 6 hours after I stopped crying. Already one client has asked me what’s wrong. I’m hoping the puffiness goes down before most of them wake up.

I’m not really sure what the point of this post was. Just that I’m feeling sad I guess but that I’m glad to be experiencing emotions at all.

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